The honeymoon is over. I think for the first 10 days or so here in Bulgaria, I was running on adrenaline and excitement. Once I moved in with my host mom and began to settle into the program I began feeling my emotions again. I’ve had a few emotional releases – one was laughing so hard I was crying –during language class. The trigger was the struggles of a classmate to pronounce a long word which I too was having difficulty pronouncing. I began laughing at the funny and foreign sounds coming out of their mouth and couldn’t stop. It was an acknowledgement of pent-up frustration and worry of trying to learn this challenging language. I felt great afterwards and my classmates also got a chuckle at my laughing fit.
Then the following week, a senior staff member came to our classroom from Sofia for an hour-long check in. He came in the second hour of our class day and the first hour (on a Friday) was tough. We were reviewing some of the grammar from the week and actually having to speak in simple sentences. Everyone was a little burned out and struggling. So when my turn came to share how things were going, I began to speak and burst into tears. I didn’t know that was going to happen, but again it was a release of the frustration and angst of being in a world so utterly different from my comfort zone. I vented about everything that was “wrong” and again, felt much better afterwards and let everyone know I was o.k. – I just needed to “let it flow.”. I’m trying to be a good sport here, but I have to acknowledge that I have been really challenged by the intensity of our classes, the expectations for acquiring skills and info on the Bulgarian culture and organization and structure of municipalities. It’s all good to learn and know but it is a lot!!! The intention of this training period is to get us new volunteers up and running with the language so we can begin integrating into a new community in June – the community each of us will live in for the next 2 years. The goal is not depth and accuracy necessarily, but enough to get around, buy food and be safe. When I get scared is when I think about the 2 years and there is soooo much to learn, and of course, wanting to “make a difference” even if it’s only a small one. What calms me is to just stay focused on today and these three months of training, and that I don’t need to know everything in order to get started.
I’ve met several volunteers who have been here since last June, and they all are very bright souls. Their eyes are bright and smiles wide. And yes, they have the side-to-side head shake down for yes (Da!). They share their stories and I find it inspiring, because they too, faced many of the challenges I am feeling at the moment.
This week we’ve been studying vocabulary about transportation and time. Tomorrow we go to the larger town 20 minutes away without the assistance of our language instructor. Getting there is no problem, there is a van that seats about 12 people. There is only one bus stop in town and we know we have to be there at 7:10 (the van may come any time between 7:10 and 7:30). We pay 2 Leva and 50 pay Stotinki which is about $2 for the ticket. Coming back we actually have to go to the large bus station, ask for and buy a ticket to our specific town and find the right bus (out of about 12) to take home. Since we are doing this as a group of 5, there are no worries. It’s preparing us for doing it on our own, soon.
In Vratsa, we meet with the other 3 Community and Organizational Development Volunteers for a day of information from senior staff members. Tonight I have some reading to do to prep for it.
Overall I’m good. I have had moments of wondering “Did I really sign up for this?” Yes, I did. I remind myself about wanting to experience another culture by immersing myself in it. Leaning a new language and learning about myself as I stumble about in a world totally new to my physical, emotional and mental self. I know that I am building a base from which to live the next two years and that I’m shaking things up inside of me. Actually not only the next two years, but beyond as well. Last week I was wishing I could “come home for the weekend,” but I can’t. I’m here and I have shifted gears into engaging on a deeper level than just the rush of adrenaline of a new adventure. O.K. time to go study some of that Bulgarian vocabulary and grammar. Love to you all!
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